March: Part 2

I have so little time left. I have cut out all of the toxic people from my life, all of the people who I thought were my friends but never really were. My parents just want me to do the testing that the doctors are suggesting, I don’t want that to be the rest of my life. Needles, tubes, and monitors reminding me that I am running out of time faster and faster every day. I walk through the city every day; I look at all of the beautiful things that I missed. All of the things that I was just too busy to look at before. All of this graffiti under the bridges is more beautiful than most things seen in art museums. There is a beautiful mural of an Indian, he is wearing a handsome feather headdress and there is an eagle on his shoulder. He is also gazing up at a picture of the moon, he is so graceful and diligent looking. He is beautiful.

It has been a long few weeks. I can’t walk anymore, my legs gave out and my parents took me to the hospital. I have been refusing to sign their papers for testing for several weeks, but I am losing my hands and arms as well. I fear that this is it. I have scheduled a meeting with my doctors for this evening, I am going to sign the waiver for them to start testing on me. I have to sacrifice my freedom to buy some more time. Hopefully this will cure me, and I won’t have given up for nothing.

The testing is painful, lots of needles. Lots of skin samples. Lots of loud beeping monitors. The room smells of sterilized instruments and hospital food; they have a drip of solution to an I.V. in my arm. The dull pain is slowly driving me mad but I can move less and less by the day, I am trapped here. These white walls and sterilized environment is my prison, god help me.

I can barely move. This treatment isn’t working. So much pain. All of these needles, the scars om my arm from them wont heal. My legs are thin and frail from lack of muscle, and I sit here for hours waiting for death. The doctors say that soon I will be comatose. All of the other patients are fine, what is wrong with me? Nothing is working. I just hope that they don’t try to save me after I’m gone.

Everything is fading, I am so tired. I am having trouble keeping my eyes open. I have so little energy, my life is slowly disappearing before me. They said it would be like this. They said they will put me on life support and continue testing. Why won’t they leave me alone? I am ready. Let me sleep, let me be in peace at last. Let me leave this place. This is the end. This is my end.

Original Work by P.H.